‘and this is where the story ends’
so… last night i decide to go to bed early… i have just been sooo tired lately.. with the whole staying up late to talk to johno.. and the whole waking up early of late.. to argue and cry about him.. had taken its toll… plus with work… and my headaches of late… it seemed good…
plus i didn’t wnt to stay up… staring at my inbox.. or something… to see him magically pop online, which i know… i blocked myself from.. on all his accounts. So really… i don’t know why i think that.
As usual… i wake up in the middle of the night… i don’t know why… but it sems to be a reaccuring thing now… i can’t just sleep all the way through… i so don’t know how i will survive europe… like this… i’m thinking.. maybe i need some sleeping pills… to knock me out…. so i can just sleeep away this pain i have…
Either way.. i wake up… only to receive an email from him… asking for his bank details… so that he can close his assie bank account. Then my email automated msg replied as deleted account.. as he responded huh? i figured he thought i responded to him, so i emailed him to say that i’ll get the details when i’m at work tomorrow.. and he can close it then…
Edited my ’soon to be nonexistant’ automated msg.. as.. deleting this email account.. shall update those of you later…
Went back to sleep…. woke up again… and i get a response of him.. saying thanks… and… how.. he will wait for me.. or something… and if our love was strong enough it’ll happen. WTF… what is he trying to do? i’m not a yo-yo… my heart can’t be played like this… if he ends things…. then finish me off… don’t give me words… that i’ll hold onto.. as a reason of hope… knowing.. wishing… thinking that i could have hm back in my life again….
i’m already miserable right now because of him…. because i feelsoooo empty….just nothing…nothing….nothing…………i feeel like stabbing myself… and watching the blood seeep from me… would be better than this pain that he is putting me through…..
[mental note... i used to be suicidal... since i was about as young as i can remember to about 22... ]
He goes to say…. that i should fight for him…. fight…. i did… i agreed to see him and visit him… we were happy.. i was happy… i had foolishly opened my whole heart and let him back in…. and i thought it was for life again… i was back in that state of happy ever afters… and it was a matter of.. weeks before i got to see him … and then… he took all that….. and just shredded it to pieces… and chucked it away… i’m too tired…. i’m too heartbroken… i’m tooo empty… to do anything anymore.
I still gave him a chance though… because.. i was hoping… just hoping…. that.. he wanted me.. and that.. he was a fool to have done what he did… but he didn’t… it was adament in everything that he was saying… that.. this was it.. it was over.. he said.. he was too tired to fight for me anymore. [tears]
And so… that was that….. i said he had a couple of hours till i booked the rest of my tour and accomodation… or else.. that is goodbye forever…..
no response…. and this is where i am delusional… i’m hoping.. that he fell asleep… or.. ran out of credit…. or anything….. bu having goodbye as final…. and so… i still haven’t booked my trip… and figured,… i’ll wait till tongiht.. when he is awake… and maybe there is some hope out there.. that.. he does want this.. wants me.. loves me that much… sighs… thats what hope does… it sets you up for disappointment… or in my case.. setting myself up for another night of tears…. and heartache….
Going away to port stephens this weekend… with penny.. aaah the place.. where me and john were thinking of getting married… sighs… this should be fun… i just wanna get drunk.. the whole weekend.. so i can drown in my own sorrow and not think about him…
I finally took off the ring today… and chucked it in the bottom drawer.. as i kissed it goodbye… [tears]… my fingers look so naked and bare.. doesn’t quite feel or look normal.. all of a sudden… but i can’t go on pretending…. dads worried.. he asked me last night if i wanted to eat.. he’ll prepare it.. go get wateva i want.. from anywhere.. must be that bad.. it was like he knew what was going on…. ahh yes.. i’ve gone back to not eating… again… not that i really was before… but at least.. gave the illusion that i did…..
Deleted his numbers today…. this was hard…. as i stared at the screen for maybe tooo long than i should… trying to memorise it.. but nothing.. my head.. is all but a fuzz… and it was gone… so now.. i have nothing… i have no way… to contact him.. and he is too proud.. and too arrogant to message me… because he is done… like he said. So…
unless he was asleep… / no credit…or watever…
this is where the story of John and i end………
Leave a Reply